Why do you never say it's not you, it's me? Because your friend has heard you tell him about that line a hundred times when you broke up with a girl (boy). Sure, women (men) come and go, but friends are forever, but sometimes, you must ask yourself, is the friendship worth it? Of it's in trouble, can it be saved, should it? Sometimes, when we want people in our lives, we need to make exceptions. We may say we'll never be friends with a guy who uses and leaves women, but when it hits you that one of your friends for years is one of those guys, and you have too much fun together to just give it up, plus he's been there for you, you've been there for him, etc. Too much history, it's okay to make an exception. Try and change the person if you want, but don't be upset when, after years of trying, that person is the same person he's been for all that time. Even if he said this time is different, this time I'm changed for good, and doesn't, it can be okay. If it's something that doesn't hurt you, something that doesn't affect you negatively, it's okay. It's difficult to pin down, because I have specific things in my head, but what it comes down to is the realization of you don't want this person in your life, and you're better off without him.
Sure, there will be moments of regret, sentimental moments of reflection, and a desire to recapture those times. However, that's the past, and the past is never a true reflection of events. You have to remember the bad times that forced you too that decision, and sometimes it may seem obvious, the bad times outweighing the bad not in number, but in emotional weight, and sometimes it will be unclear.
The best thing to do is give yourself time to sort things out with the person not in your life. Don't have it out with them, just don't call them and make plans, avoid hanging out with friends that will probably hang out with the person you're avoiding. If they call, be busy, and if asked if you're avoiding them, be consistant, don't be caught in a lie, and never say, yes, i am avoiding you. If you have it out before you're ready, you may regret it, because you may have ended a friendship you didn't want to end.
The rest of this essay gets a bit personal, and is most decidely not funny. If you dont care to learn about me, and in the process about yourself, you shouldn't really read it. Also note, this was added after I was almost finished with the essay.
I have one friend I thought I'd never want to see again, because I felt he was a bad person. However, he was never bad to me. He might have been thoughtless and inconsiderate, but he was fun. He may have hurt others, but he never hurt me too badly. There was the usual jibs and jabs men exchange, and some hurt more than he might have realized, but he didn't do it out of malice, he did it because that's who he is, and that's how he acts. In the end, I forgave him even though he never knew I faulted him for anything, and I stay in touch with him.
Then there's another friend, one who I wanted to hang out with, but was hurt more often than not. Be it waiting by the phone for our arranged meeting, having my calls go unreturned, or having him disappear in the middle of an affair, his concern was always himself first, and others second. I believe the thoughts foremost in his mind was how to use people for either his amusement or for his advantage, and upon reflection, the bulk of my experiances with him were him using me, while I believed we were enjoying amusement together. He had me do things I'm ashamed of to other people, mistreating them and hurting them for his own enjoyment. Did I enjoy it? Well, I'm a better person for choosing not to do those things anymore. Sometimes, we enjoy things that are wrong, or that are bad for us. Just because something is pleasurable does not mean it's just. Yes, I did enjoy it, but that doesn't mean I wasn't used, that doesn't mean I wasn't a bad person for going along with what he wanted. In truth, I am a better person for not spending time with him anymore, because I am not tempted to do debase acts to other people, and willfully seek to hurt people.
In some cases, he'd use me as a weapon. When he was angry with someone, he would set me on them, and when he set me on a friend of mine without me realizing, when I found out what I had done I realized he was too much for me. He convinced me that our friend was laughing at us behind our backs, living this double life, always too busy for us but not for his other friends, friends he's only known for a few months when he's known us for years. None of it was true, but when I confronted him with it, and he denied it, I was so fixed on thinking he's been lying, I didn't consider I had been lied to, especially when I knew he was usually the one to tell the truth, and the other friend the one to lie.
I don't want it to seem that the reason why I am no longer friends with him is because I did things that were wrong, sure that's a good reason, and in some cases is reason enough by itself (gangs, for example. if youre trying to get out of the life, its better not to hang out with those still involved, because then you will eventually get dragged back in, willfully or not). However, it is not the main reason with him. He used me when he needed me, and disregarded me when he didn't. The friendship was at his discretion, a light switch to turn on when he didnt have a girlfriend, and to turn off when he had one. He might flicker it when she was at work or with her family, but if he could, he'd hang out with her before me or anyone else for that matter. It took me six years to come to terms with that. To understand that his needs are primary, and if he can't satisfy his libedo, he'll hang out with me.
I don't know if it's easily understood, the distinction between the two. I suppose the point is that while one may make me look bad in others eyes, its by association people would judge me. I might sink to a low brow level of humor with him, but I do so with many other men. He may have disregarded women that cared about him, but he didn't really disregard me. He might, when he was drunk, or dead set on something, but generally speaking, I was equal among firsts (in other words, part of his trusted inner circle of friends, people whose opinions and time were valued). As to the other friend, he makes me look bad in my own eyes. In order to be friends with him, I had to put up with him. I spent atleast as much time being frustrated with him as I did enjoying his company. I feel less stress in my life with him gone. If a person causes as much stress as relief, it can't be worth it. If, after not seeing someone for a long while, you feel less stress and you know its because of them, and they call wanting to make up, it might be better to say, flatly, I don't want you in my life. They'll hang up, and you might feel a pang of regret, but if you only think of that person when another person mentions him, or when something specifically related to him comes up (gauge it for yourself), then you did the right thing. How long that may take, is different.
For me, it was a matter of days, although I did feel the need to end a relationship with a woman I was friends with, since she was his ex girlfriend, and sought only revenge against him. When all she wanted to do was vent about the past she shared with him, I grew weresome. When she would call me up, arrange plans in advance, and cancel them time after time at the last minute, I felt that I was being used. Maybe I was still vulnerable after ending a long term friendship, and was feeling paranoid and suspicious, but if someone half a dozen times canceled a meeting via text messaging instead of calling, once or twice being last minute plans made only minutes before via phone, then anyone should feel something was up. I don't know if she was getting revenge on me for some imagined slight or because she thought I was a spy for her ex. It might have been that I was her back up, her contingency plan for nothing to do, and if something did come along after she made plans with me, she had no qualms about putting me back on the shelf. In any case, it happened too many times to just be coincidence, and I didn't want the pain of going through a hurtful friendship all over again. I let her know how I felt, and that was that.
In some cases, as mentioned earlier, it's not best to let a person know you want nothing to do with them, in almost all cases it's preferable to do nothing to anger them. Better to just be "busy" than to make them an enemy. However, for some people, it's best to cut them off than lead them on. If you can't take the lies upon lies, then just end it. If you really don't want to deal with them, end it. When dealing with an insecure person, who always felt you were avoiding them if you didn't pick up the phone when they called, not considering you might be too busy to chat, it might be best just to end it.
If your life is simplier because someone or several people aren't in it, you did the right thing. In some cases, you might be doing the other person the favor. In the above mentioned case, the friend that I was turned against, I cut off my friendship with him not just out of shame for what I had said to him, he seemed to feel for a time I was being unjust to him and wanted to repair things. However, he was the best friend of the friend that turned me against him, and it was only a temporary fight that happens every now and again between them Because he's spent his entire life in the middle of fights, I didn't want him in the middle anymore, not if I could help it. I didn't want to end things, but that was what was best for him, and sometimes when you're a friend, you have to consider them before yourself. For as long as he's friends with the other friend, I can't be friends with him. While I can hope he'll come to the same realization I have, I don't think it'll occur. They have more history, more family interconnectedness, and a mutual hatred of me now.
What people feel about other people works in degrees, not a sliding scale. What I mean is, the more you love someone, the greater your potential for hate is. The more you hate, the greater the potential for love. The reason for this is betrayal. When you care about someone, the more you care is the more damage they can do. If they betray your trust, all that care you had for them turns into anger because the emotions you invested in them can't simply disappear, and if you can't love, you must hate. Disinterest is the opposite of feeling, and it's better to be disinterested in someone than to hate them, because if you are disinterested, you don't care one way or another, it doesn't affect you. If you hate someone, you have a vested interest in their displeasure, because it brings you pleasure. However, if by finding out they actually are not the person you thought they were, that hate pulls the same one - eighty your love did earlier. It can't disappear, so it turns to love. That's why when you really hate a person of the opposite sex, and they really hate you, it can translate into sexual tension that gets released in beautiful orgy of dirty sex.
The longer you know someone, the more likely a relationship between the two of you will work out, regardless of your feelings towards one another as long as they were honest feelings. In other words, you know more about them than a stranger you meet through a set-up, so you know who they actually are. If your vision of them was colored, that you always looked up to them or looked down on them, than you really didn't know them and can't judge how a relationship would turn out since your view is skewed. However, if you have known them for a long while, and you knew the real them, a relationship could suddenly spark with lasting quality.
Sure, in real life sometimes a fling can turn into a life long marriage, but those are the rare exceptions, in most cases, true, lasting relationships are based on the reality of knowing someone, not the fantasy of love at first sight or soul mates.