Recntly I discovered emotions. Things like happiness, sadness, and all the other ness' imbetween were unknown to me. Previously, I had only really felt two emotions ever before on two seperate occasions. Fear, and Anxiety. Fear was when I felt as if i was going to lose everything, my life as it was, my freedom, and any future life I could have had... possibly even my life could have been lost. Anxiety was when I felt as if because of my stupidity, I'd lose all my material goods and the respect of those around me for years to come, possibly getting trapped in a foriegn country for some time, I don't need to get to detailed to explain it to you.

Anyway, other emotions, while I'm sure were there, just never registered before. I mean, I obviously felt something, but my disposition was so mellow that I was always just in one emotion. Without being able to switch between moods, I didn't understand what emotions were. Imagine if you were always happy. Would you call it happy? How could you? You hear that anger is the opposite of happiness, you've never experianced that. Or sadness, not that either. You're always in a perpetual state of bliss. Since you have nothing to compare it to, it's not the same as feeling emotions. That's the best way I can describe it. I was always floating about one emotion for periods of time that were tracked by in the years. Only feeling one emotion at a time isn't really feeling emotions, especially since I'd lie, and put things into an emotional context when talking with people so I'd be thought of as normal. I didn't realize it for years though what I was doing, or that I was acutally not experiancing emotions. This left me rather emotionally underdeveloped to this day. Then some more confusing things happened, and I let myself go. I went on an emotional rollercoaster for my own benefit. In some ways I know it was forced, but atleast I felt what I thought at the time were emotions.

I suppose there were points in my life before when I had felt emotions as a normal person did. These times were when I was in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex that exceeded that of being good friends. At these times I believe I did feel emotions as a normal person does, however after the relationships ended I reverted back to my monoemotion state, and forgot what it felt like. Those two emotions I described at the beginning of this essay were the only ones to be felt out of the context of a woman.

So why am I writing this to you? Well, I doubt it could help anyone else, since I'm probably the only person around who doesn't feel emotions, and even for the other people out there with anti-social behavioral disorder, reading this won't help them get through anything. Instead, I'm writing this in an effort to learn how to care. Others have feelings for me, feelings that I don't understand. In the past I've hurt these people, and will continue to do so unless I learn how to feel for myself. You might call this feelings of remorse or regret... I know what that is, and this isn't it. I'm simply trying to improve myself and my interpersonal relations. This has been an on going struggle of mine for a few years. I've started being honest, and that's how peopel have gotten hurt. It's not right for me to be hurting others, and perhaps by hearing how other people feel about that somethign will grow inside of me that was there all along, that just needed something more to live.

or maybe I've just watched to many movies with badass heroes